Rhonda

Predatory Poodles: Wolves in Sheep’s Clothing

by Rhonda Linseman-Saunders

Frigging dogs. I just got back from an attempted walk with my son. Actually I walked and he bummed a ride in the stroller. But, of course, we had to cut it short and take an alternate route to get home because, once again, somebody’s dog was running free. It was a different dog than before. It’s always a different dog. There is no shortage of free-roaming dogs around to ruin every walk I take. Every time.

And if they’re not actually chasing us, they’re attempting to jump a fence to get to us. At one house around the corner, it’s clear that the dog has made it over the fence in the same spot several times, and that the owner has made no attempt to keep it from happening again. Ask Commissioner Kolhage about that. Last year his dog jumped the fence at his 20th Terrace home and sent two children to the hospital by ambulance. When police asked his wife about an allegation that the dog had bitten a child before, she said it was only because the boy had taunted the dog. Let’s get this straight— your dog just mauled two children, and you’re being defensive about it. If it had been my child, your dog would have been dead within minutes. I mean that very sincerely.

I was on the phone with my sister, while walking and pushing the stroller today, when one of the neighborhood dogs came running and barking our way. She heard my panic and laughed. “Did something happen to you as a child to make you afraid of dogs?” she asked. Apparently she doesn’t read this column. To spare regular readers the pain of a Cujo sequel, I won’t rehash the past. But do I have to justify it, really? I mean, can’t a person just generally have an aversion to having their face chewed off by another animal, without having to justify the fear with some kind of childhood trauma?

And yes, it does sound a little bit funny when I admit that the dog involved in the most recent nearattack was a poodle. Before you laugh, though, have you seen an actual full-size poodle? I’m not talking about one of those cute little miniature ones who have been bred to look like tiny teddy bears covered in that soft, fluffy white stuff on a dandelion that’s going to seed. I’m talking about those giant poodles that are at least as big as any German Shepherd I’ve seen. They are wolves in sheep’s clothing. Quite literally.

Their teeth aren’t any less sharp just because their bodies are covered in cotton candy. If you think about it, poodles may be the worst kind of beast just because they are so deceiving. They’re like killer clowns. You grow up learning to trust them and like them, and then BAM you’re getting attacked by one. He wears a big, evil toothy grin while you watch in horror as he feasts on your innards.

My older son’s friend was just attacked by some pit-bull mix of a dog. I’m sure it was a really nice dog and the owners were shocked and amazed that their baby suddenly acted on a hankering for human eyeball. Isn’t that always the case? Nobody can ever believe their sweet, good-natured creature harmed somebody. But, according to the Humane Society, 4.7 million people in the United States are attacked by dogs every year— 80 percent of them by familiar canines. Most of the victims are children. And I’m assuming the Humane Society likes dogs, so I can’t imagine they’re delighted to report these numbers.

I guess dog ownership is a much bigger responsibility than some people seem to realize. There is no room for “Whoopsie, I just don’t know how Fluffy got out of the yard!” We should have to guess whether an approaching dog wants to play or to rip out our jugular. If you don’t have time or energy to watch and care for a dog as you would a small child, you have no business owning one.

Maybe on principal alone, I am determined to continue my repeated attempts to stroll through my own neighborhood. For those of you who are also going continue braving the wild, remember these tips when you encounter a free-roaming beast: Avoid eye contact, speak softly, and back slowly away with your arms at your side. Later, find out who owns the dog and hire an evil clown to pay them a visit in the middle of the night. Rhonda@kwtn.com

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Comments

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Rhonda,
Do like the mail delivery person, get yourself some pepper spray. Dogs hate that stuff. I have even used it to wart off attack roosters. Try it, works for me.